My kung fu is dope yo!

I want to get that tattooed on the back of my neck. It would either be a great conversation starter at a social event or an opportunity to get my ass handed to me by Chuck Norris. I guess there’s only one way to find out for sure then huh?

Earlier this morning up in the guard tower, i watched some dude wipeout on his bike during typical Iraqi rush-hour traffic. I roflmao’ed for a good 10 minutes till i nearly shit myself with the effort of trying to contain it and maintain my military bearing but failed miserably. I couldn’t help it. He looked okay though for a dude who just wrecked his motorcycle albeit a little banged up and extremely embarassed. After i painfully managed to regain some composure, i had to order him in broken Arabic to move his broke motorcycle further down the road away from the front of our outpost because he couldn’t be parked on the shoulder. No civilian vehicle was allowed to for any reason, lest they want to get shot at by U.S Army grunts manning the guard towers. We protect our crib fiercely homey! Werd. Anyway, he did not at all look happy with me and gave me the crazy eye while animatedly waving his hands about in clear frustration at my order all the while cussing me out in rapid Arabic, which made me bust out lol’ing again. I did feel a slight twinge of guilt for being an asshole to the poor guy as i watched him painfully limp away while pushing his wrecked motorcycle along. Ok, maybe not but that’s okay. Karma is a painful bitch and i will get what’s coming in due course. Till then i can relive the hilarious moment in my head and go to bed tonight satisfied that i can still proudly say, “i’ve never wiped out on a motorcycle in Iraq during rush hour traffic right infront of an American outpost before.” That and “Chuck Norris doesn’t want to fight me because my kung fu is dope yo!“

- Jay

October 23, 2008 | Filed Under General, Iraq, Random | Leave a Comment 

Somebody slashed our football

We suspect the Iraqi Police SWAT slashed our football today. I suppose it was in retaliation to all the trash talking we’ve been giving them ever since one of their own shot himself in the foot during reflexive fire drills yesterday. Ready. Up. Bang Bang. Down. BANG. OUCH!! Funniest shit i’ve seen in awhile. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I know its a little effed up to be laughing at somebody else’s painful expense but it was pretty darn hilarious to witness. I wish i could’ve gotten it on camera. Its just one of those moments where you’d have to be there to appreciate the hilarity of it all. Ahh… i love working with these guys… some days. On other days, i just feel like punching them in the kidneys… like today when we woke up and discovered our precious football had been punctured by a knife’s blade. So uncool. What Would Allah Do?

People should really learn to take a joke.

-Jay

October 20, 2008 | Filed Under Iraq | Leave a Comment 

The Iraq/U.S pact

BAGHDAD (Reuters) - Thousands of followers of anti-American cleric Moqtada al-Sadr took to the streets on Saturday in a demonstration against a pact that would allow U.S. forces to stay in Iraq for three more years. Read more here.

Sweet. So i guess i have a deployment or two guaranteed in the next 3 years. In case you don’t know who Muqtada al-sadr is, he’s been one of the biggest thorns in America’s side ever since Saddam’s execution. A theologian, political leader and commander of the militia army the Mahdi Army, he commands a great deal of influence in Iraq despite not holding an official seat in the Iraqi government. He envisions a Shi‘a-dominated government and many Iraqis respect his vision because they see in him a symbol of resistance to foreign occupation even though he is widely known to be a puppet for Iran in achieving political influence in the country.

Though the pact guarantees a definite withdrawal of U.S troops by the end of 2011, there are controversial stipulations alluding to American service members who commited serious crimes against Iraqis whilst off duty, that they be tried by Iraqi courts. I can already see stiff opposition coming from servicemembers, myself included, against this particular accord. Hell if it were one of my guys being faced with the possibility of being tried by an Iraqi court, i’d do whatever it would take to prevent that regardless of the nature of his crime. Yes, what he did was wrong but i’d rather he be tried by a military court martial under UCMJ than be subject to prosecution by Iraqis. Though the accord doesn’t state that the soldier on trial, if found guilty of his crimes, would spend time in an Iraqi prison, it’s the principle that matters. As an American, i steadfastly refuse to recognize any Iraqi that would try to pass judgement on me. Likewise to Afghanis. Fuck that shit! Why don’t they fly cockmaster Bush out here and see how much he would like being judged by a people that have always been an enemy to the red, white and blue. We’ve sacrificed enough in waging an illegitimate war, in a country that would rather rot under her own corruption and foul governance than take steps to significantly improving herself. The least our government could do is give these servicemembers the benefit of being tried by Americans.

I digress.

- Jay

October 19, 2008 | Filed Under Army, Iraq | Leave a Comment 

I see you

Silly insurgents! You should know better than to try to shadily record the movements of American convoys to and from the FOB. We are watching you watching us mofos. lol. These fuckers never learn. I guess they don’t realize that we can do a little counter surveillance of our own. And maybe a little car tailing… from the air. lol It’ll be soon time to send some more sorry wannabe jihadists to meet the mighty Allah. Sorry bro, but there’ll be no virgins waiting for you in my paradise. Just a whole lot of hurt and a shit ton of disgrace served compliments of the U.S infantry.

So i’m steadily running out of cowboy killas again. I’m down to my last carton of Reds as of yesternight. I certainly hope my next care package gets here soon cos I could definitely use with a much needed replenishment of my cigarette stock. I don’t think i smoke alot. I mean, i only smoke a half pack a day so that’s nothing compared to these other guys that smoke a whole pack on a four hour guard shift. But then again, unlike my Joes, i don’t spend 4 mindless hours on the guard tower or at a sniper’s nest with nothing better to do than scan the surrounding area for suspicious activity and puff on cancer sticks. I think if i was pulled off SOG duty and made to pull guard, maybe i too would be going through a pack or two a day. Fuck it. What do i care? I can still run a 12 minute, 2 mile pace pretty easy. Yes i do PT in the desert. It builds character.

It never ceases to amaze me just how much fun bored soldiers can get into especially out in the middle of the desert. I wish i could record some of the everyday conversations we have out here. The shit we talk about is enough to drop a whore down on her knees in… no not that position… but in prayer. lol. Any combat tested Grunt can atest to this. You get bored enough, you start thinking WAYYYY outside the box about the most random, retarded, gruesome, racial, sexual, disgusting thing that your mind can imagine. Group a bunch of similarly bored, like-minded, alcohol abstained, Grunts together and you get a reflection of a sinner’s hell on earth complete with hellfire-esque heat and no cable tv. If only you could hear our convo now. And to think we’re doing all this sober. lol

- Jay

October 16, 2008 | Filed Under Army, Iraq, Life | Leave a Comment